you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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