I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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