and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
