I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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