I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
