Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
