I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
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Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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