I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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