Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
