I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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