i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
