I could have mohawked her pubes.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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