i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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