btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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