You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
