Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Randomize
