I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
