life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize