WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
4 words: hood of his car
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
