I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
