So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
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Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
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My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.