he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
