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help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
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