my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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