Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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