If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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