this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
