he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
