all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
