my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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