Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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