I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
