I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
