One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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