I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
