i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
