We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
