Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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