yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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