remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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