she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
