just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
