My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
