That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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