ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
