so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
