u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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