Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
