just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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