so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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