Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
