My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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