You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
