I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
