she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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