ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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