I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sober January is a disaster.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
